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I had to go away for a while.
About a month and a half ago, something I witnessed on Instagram triggered a downward spiral within me. I watched as a virtual mob formed, taking sides between two different women, and the words I saw spoken over them were poison. Nearly none of the people that were a part of these two mobs personally knew either of these women, and yet the words they spoke out against them made it seem as if they knew every single thing about them.
I don’t know why it was this particular event that made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know why things began to seem darker and darker to me, and the whole world felt like a place I didn’t want to be a part of. I wanted to dig a bunker below ground…hide there, and not let anyone in. And in the darkness, I got swallowed up. I heard hidden voices speaking lies that I began to believe…lies I tell every woman I meet that they should never listen too.
I was unworthy. I wasn’t good enough. My dreams were pointless. There was no point in pursuing anything I love, because inevitably someone would tear it down. Or a mob that contained not a single person that knew me, would burn me to the ground. I would never survive going after anything that I loved. And did I truly love anything at all? Was I even really good at anything?
And what a hypocrite I was! Or so I told myself. I wanted to devote my life to shutting down the lies people believe about themselves…I wanted to show them the light that is possible to live in, if they simply begin to take the steps to shut out the darkness. But I had finally succumbed to that very same darkness. I had let it swallow me whole, and even though I had all the tools available to me to claw my way out, I couldn’t seem to find the strength to set myself free. I was a fraud.
And yet, walking beside me every single day in my darkness, was my husband. Every day when I woke up with stress in my chest and anxiety making it hard for me to breathe, he told me how amazing I was. He lifted me up and told me every true thing about me…every true thing that I had always believed about myself, but now saw as mere fantasies that I had foolishly believed. And he wouldn’t quit.
With every new day, he looked me in my eyes, eyes that had lost all hints of joy, and told me who I was. He never wavered, and I felt so undeserving. Surely he would tire of my depression soon. Surely he would lose his patience. But he didn’t.
He would remind me of all the ways I had been preparing for “such a time as this”, and he wouldn’t let me forget. He would remind me of every accomplishment I had made, and every good thing I had been fighting for, for so long. He wouldn’t quit.
And lest you think it was only my husband, there were others too, but he was my constant. And I won’t leave out my Father…God of the world and the infinite places. He poured out His love and mercy every day. He kept me from drowning, but He also allowed me to walk in the black. He knew I needed to be able to tell this story. I don’t know all the reasons why, but I know that someday I will.
And then…a few days ago…a tiny flame began to burn. It was weak, and only just a flicker, but it was burning. It began to grow, and tiny rays of light began to pierce my darkness. And with each new day, I feel stronger.
My husband’s faithfulness was an anchor for me. The knowledge that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, has been my lifeline.
I have so many thoughts to share…so much more I want to say. But I’ve said enough for today. There are more days to come, and I can only pray that I will be brave enough to say what needs to be said when the time comes.
